Sick and tired of my hyperemesis gravidarum posts? ok, ok ..but here is one you just have to read...
So, Your Wife Is Barfing Her Guts Out:
A Guy’s Guide to Hyperemesis Gravidarum
by Brad Klingele
I am the proud dad of seven kids, all of whom were given the gift of life
through my wife’s hyperemetic torments. Yes, she did want the kids, and
so I wasn’t a jerk on this account. However, I have, shall we say,
incrementally improved from being what I thought was supportive to being
supportive in her eyes. Thank God I had six kids to better my record!
Following is a bullet-point approach to supporting your spouse from a
very “guy’s guy” perspective. This is blunt and unapologetic, because
you probably are tired and –like me—want to spend very little time
reading up on how to be a dad, husband, etc., because you are in the
midst of insanity.
1. Honor any and all food requests.
I am a cheap German. If you are either a cheap German, or fiscally
frugal (or even fiscally moderate), get over it. This is going to cost
you big time in gas, food, and other seemingly incoherent and random
requests.
Suck it up. Just do what she says, when she says,
and do it with a loving tone, smile, and say, “I’m so grateful for what
you are doing for our baby!” Think of it this way: going into a bit of
credit card debt by getting random things at random times is way cheaper
than marriage counseling later. Go get whatever she wants, whenever she
wants, and be prepared for the reality that when you get back, she may
not want it! Get over yourself and keep thinking “she won’t be insane
forever, and neither will I.”
If you help her now, your wife
will remember how good you were to her and feel very close to you
someday again. Conversely, if you apply fiscal logic or any logic at all
to her requests and hesitate, she will feel abandoned and protective
and defensive and angry (not to mention hungry).
2. Do not question.
If you apply logic, you will be frustrated. This is not because your
wife is objectively illogical: her requests seem illogical to you
because you aren’t going through this. Your stomach is not churning at
thoughts, smells, ideas, and whatever else comes at you. You aren’t
scared of what is happening to your own body. You aren’t helpless and
needing someone to take care of you. You aren’t being prodded by doctors
and nurses and morons and being “crackered” (see below). You aren’t
exhausted, nauseous, and sleep deprived.
3. Do chores (or delegate).
Chores are all on you now, buddy. Let her chill and be—by outside
standards—completely, unproductively useless. (In fact, she’s producing a
whole new person!)
If you have funds, suck it up and get
cleaning help a few times a week. In this situation, prudence is saving
your energy for being really kind and patient with your spouse. She is
worth the stretch, and so is your marriage.
If you don’t have
funds, look up how to clean on the internet. A few tips: declutter and
just keep cleaning every second that you can. Wash dishes as you
cook—don’t let them pile up. Better yet, go buy yourself food from
elsewhere, because cooking just smells up the house & that brings
the barf train back. If you must cook, be prepared to prepare your food
out of sight. Cereal, peanut butter & jelly, fruits & raw
veggies are going to be your friend for a while, most likely.
4. Stay clean.
Seems obvious, but the smell of husband is a sure-fire trigger for many
women. Shower often and brush your teeth a lot so your breath doesn’t
stink any more than necessary.
5. Forget about sex. No, really.
This is not happening, period. Yes, it stinks. What do you do? Avoid
going online alone. Really. This is a time when you may be tempted,
because at one time you were actually having sex, and now you have just
quit cold turkey. Instead, regularly call and get together with a few of
your guy friends –even just at your house for beers. Keep up your
friendships so that you aren’t sexually frustrated, exhausted, and
lonely–the perfect recipe for getting into porn or being overly
flirtatious at the office.
6. You can’t fix it.
Most
guys want to fix things. You cannot fix this. The closest that you will
get to “fixing” things is to do what your wife tells you when she tells
you how she tells you and with a big freaking smile on your tired face.
7. Be on her side.
If you are kind of a non-confrontational peacemaker, be prepared to be
uncomfortable when stupid doctors and nurses question the severity of
your wife’s sickness. You gotta man up.
First, research the heck out of hyperemesis gravidarum. See the website
www.helpher.org for great tips.
Second,
be firmly firm and don’t let doctors or nurses do the following:
• “Cracker” her by telling your wife that she should eat small amounts
of crackers, or drink ginger ale, or smell lemons. The cracker-er is an
idiot, or at least an uninformed medical person (a functional idiot).
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| Made with <3 for my HG sisters |
• Tell her it’s in her head. This deserves a thorough firm dressing
down in the following way: “I used to think so too, but that theory is
actually a thing of the past. A good deal of research has been done of
late on this. Please see the sheet I have here with all of the resources
& journal references.” (Hand them a print-out from the American
Professors of Gynecology and Obstetrics at
http://www.apgo.org/images/nvp/nvp_monograph.pdf or from the research section of
http://www.helpher.org/HER-Research/) If they persist, ask for a new doctor or nurse to be assigned and, if needed, file a formal complaint against them.
• Give your wife cheap or inadequate meds. Zofran is the master.
Generic Zofran sometimes works, but sometimes doesn’t.
8. Indulge in a little self-pity—just not in front of her!
You need guy friends who will listen to you complain and moan, so that you
aren’t alone, and your wife won’t have to listen to you complain and moan.
You can support her without asking for her support. This is vital. She
cannot support you emotionally, and no matter what kind of Vulcan you
are, you have emotional needs, felt or not. You may feel really put out
and tired and think, “What a rip-off. My once attractive sexy wife is
tired, cranky, demanding weird foods, complaining of smells and lights
and whatever else, and I am supposed to take care of everything and also
these food requests are really expensive and random and seem to occur
at the exact wrong time!” Fine. Vent to your guy friends, not to her.
9. Find meaning in your suffering.
For those who are Christian, remember that marriage is not a contract.
You are acting out Christ’s love. That means a cross is involved. You
probably feel crucified to your needs and desires. Your wife sure feels
that way. Lean on the prayers of friends. As much as possible, pray
yourself and ask for strength to resist the temptation to give in to
self-pity and grumpiness.
10. Know that it will end.
The army has a great phrase for this: “Embrace the suck.” You will get
through this in nine months or less (or a bit longer if your wife has a
difficult recovery). That sounds like a long time, but if you set your
expectations low, you will either be happily surprised or at least
realistically prepared.
You are going to have an awesome new
person in your life. Your wife will be very grateful—even really turned
on, eventually—if you take care of yourself and take care of them
without objection or complaint, and with joy and expressed empathy (even
when you don’t feel particularly empathetic). If you stick it out, your
marriage will be really strong. (And conversely, very damaged if you
don’t.)
Feel free to contact me to whine: bklingele@gmail.com
Special Thanks to Brad and Cecelia for putting this together and willingly allowing me to post it.
We are so
blessed to have social media- please use it to the advantage of these
women,their babies and their families. Share on facebook, twitter, and
pin on pinterest. I cannot make anyone care about this cause but God can
and I pray he lays this upon your heart to advocate for the women who
are too sick to do it themselves. If you can share silly videos that
bring a moment of enjoyment- you can share this, that will change lives.
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