Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Road to Blessings

If I have been MIA recently, it is for a good reason! Here is what I wrote about 4- 5 days ago..
We are going to have another baby- yay! We are excited, I am almost 8 weeks and hg is starting to get into full force- trying to rob me of my the joy of this little blessing. I feel like I am clinging on  for dear life. I am not only physically fighting this pregnancy, I am spiritually, emotionally, and mentally fighting. I have said before I think Satan tries to play a part in hg with women, now up to 30% of hg sufferers abort- mostly their wanted, planned for pregnancies. I understand completely why these women get to that point, they feel desperate, little support, and they think it will never end- they think they will starve to death and they do not know what lies around the hg bend, they are scared. I am scared. Is God really going to let me have a third healthy baby after hg? Will this baby even survive? With all my might I hope so- I pray so. I know what lies ahead is greater than what I am suffering with now and I flat out don't want to do it again. I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum-only inside. I don't want to God, please don't make me, just give me one hg free pregnancy! I want this baby, and even if he or she had not been planned, I would want this baby- God never gives you what you cannot handle. I'v done it before- I can do it again!(...but I don't want to have to)
Yesterday,my sisters in laws handed me a cute little stuffed dog with a baby blue cap on it- it is for the new baby. I literally snuggle with it to tell myself I am going through this for a really great reason- the best reason you could be sick actually. I am hoping when I make a trip to labor and delivery for fluids(probably within a week or so with how I am feeling)  that they will give me a ultrasound like they normally choose to for viability, age, and to make the mom feel more at ease. I am hoping I can talk them into just one ultrasound picture. This is uncommon,as the ultrasound is mostly for health reasons and it is not a photo op- I understand. I would love to just have one picture to stare at all day and tell myself- this is my baby, this is why I am sick- this is worth it. My baby counts on me, I am his or her only hope.

This was written  the night before two hospital trips and I got a midline- which is similar to a PICC but does not go all the way to the heart (thankfully) it goes to the top of my arm and it is a very skinny cathedar used with IV medication. I am on generic form of Zofran and pepcid (for stomach acid) at home and my body is responsive so that is good. Right now I still get sick once-twice a day. I suppose what I have with the medicine is similar to moderate morning sickness- but I am still having trouble trying different food I am not eating a ton-but def more than what I was, in the hospital I had about 3 regular meals which is great and was keeping water down! I think I would vomit even less if I stayed in bed all day but I have to be somewhat active for my kids. My strength is starting to come back slowly and I am able to lift my kids(only allowed to lift with right arm and assist with left-picc is in left arm) I will have it in for 6 weeks as long as no complications and then we will evaluate best treatment and see if I can wean onto oral drugs again. There were different treatment options- but none were really options for me.

They looked into a med pump but it is not made to be used with zofran and they said insurance companies get out of paying for it that way since it is not recommended, that would be a needle under a few layers of skin on my stomach and you have to carry it around- many women in my hg group love it but they think that it is not as effective as a PICC and is a hazard with young active children that could pull on it or sit on it accidentally, they also have women who are too scared to insert needle and the needle place needs to be changed.

They considered IV treatment, but that is a prick every 3 days with a new one, it only goes so far into the skin and could be pulled out easily if a young child touched, can cause trauma to veins, and they also needed an anesthesiologist to try TWICE to get it in at the hospital because my veins are very small so a regular home nurse would prob have issue and it would be painful to me.

I was petrified of the PICC, i was bawling my eyes out when they told me(gave myself a headache)- and they did not give me very much time-I found out from the guy from the home care coming up and giving me my bag of supplies, the communication int he hospital was pretty bad. The labor and delivery floor- everyone communicated-but the floor I was sent to because of room shortage, nobody was communicating well or quickly. The nurse I had knew I was getting a PICC but took her time telling me because she knew i did not want it- she did say that the team was contemplating if it was right choice for me and then the next i heared from her she was getting off the phone saying they were on their way up to get me. I was at the hospital by myself and I was very scared- of the procedure and risk of infection and blood clots. I was told it is very rare and that they think this is the best option for the baby. My nurse came over held my hand and literally said " you need to eat , if you cant eat you could loose the baby"...and that was it. The procedure hurt less than getting an IV-since getting an IV usually takes them several tries and fishing around my veins. It is a little sore. Home care taught me how to give myself meds and flush the cath with saline to prevent blockage. In a few days I may be well enough to sew and take care of kids regularly:-).. This may be the most "normal" of all my pregnancies. My dr said she did not want me to only be able to eat one meal after hospital like last time and wanted me to not have to be on bedrest. The nurses told me I shouldnt be in the hospital constantly with sick people while pregnant so home health was the best option and picc was the only option with the information given to them about pumps.
Google image of picc line

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