Saturday, June 23, 2012

A Song for Baby Ziegler

You Are Wanted, You Are Precious 
Written by: Ashley M. Ziegler

When I wake up every morning and I look into your eyes.
I'm reminded what it took to bring you to this life.
You may never know the trouble I have faced for you, thats sure-
but nothing of that matters, to me anymore.
So, now Ill say-

You are wanted, you are precious
You are loved forever more
You are prayed for, you are cherished
You are mine, and I am yours
Every moment, every minute, I look at you I say
Thank you Lord for bringing my little one to stay.
Thank you Lord for bringing this, today.

The days go on like thunder, the morning will arise.
I ask God the hard questions, I ask him why?
Have you  not seen the heartache, have you listened to my cries?
I know you love me God,but still I must ask why?
And He says-

You are wanted, you are precious
You are loved forever more
You are prayed for, you are cherished
You are mine, and I am yours
Every moment, every minute, I look at you I say
Thank you child for trusting in my word today
Thank you child for trusting me today

Only moments till I meet you, I can't wait to see your eyes
The trials do not matter, if it is for your life.
When they hand you over to me, I will thank God that's for sure,
because nothing much does matter to me anymore.

You are wanted, you are precious
You are loved forever more
You are prayed for, you are cherished
You are mine, and I am yours
Every moment, every minute, I look at you I say
Thank you Lord for bringing my little one to stay.
Thank you Lord for bringing this, today.

Friday, June 22, 2012

Anger and Finding a New Dream

My worst fear of the PICC came true, I got a blood clot. It only happens in 4% of PICC lines- and I am one of those lucky 4 in a 100. I was angry. Have I not been through enough? Why do I have such amazing odds for things? I am also 1-2 in a 100 of women to get HG. Why am I so "special"? I specifically did not want this PICC line because of the dangers of a blood clot, I tried to move my arm and I still got it only days after getting it placed. Why can't anything just work out good for me this pregnancy? I know my thoughts were getting selfish last night, but I did not care. I was mad at God, the blood clot and needing to change treatment options when something seemed to finally be working- that stinks.However the worst part, the reason I was most angry was because of the shots of blood thinners I have to take twice a day for the rest of pregnancy- they sting like 3 bee stings in a row. I have to fight not crying. The stinging lasts for a couple minutes. I may be mad at the doctors as well for choosing that option of a PICC, but I understand it had the best odds and the most convenient and most effective generally.I have struggled with the thought of " I got a blood clot because of something YOU chose for me and now I have to live with these painful shots until 6 weeks after delivery and I am nowhere near close". That does not really help anything though does it? I still have to take the shots, I still need a IV cath, I still need to make it through HG. It is no ones fault that I have hyperemesis.

I knew I would be sick getting pregnant, I was aware. I did not know I would be THIS sick for sure, I knew I could be worse but I don't know that anyone can be prepared to puke 12 times a day on anti vomit meds. I am mad HG seems to have changed our plans for a family of " more than 2 or 3" as another pregnancy could be life threatening. We both come from families of 6 and 7 children. That is normal to us, hg may not have affected me as badly if I only wanted 2 or 3 children. We all have our dreams for our lives and we are often crushed when they change and we have no control over our problems. Some people cannot have any children or struggle for years and years knowing there is little chance. Some people have disabilities and are never able to walk again, some become blind. What I am going through does not compare to any of those, my life plan has changed and that is going to be ok. I am happy to be able to be blessed (Lord willing) with 3 beautiful children, that is much more than many people get. I will be thankful for what I am given. I also have hope in what God has in store for our lives(more on that later).

In the midst of my anger asking God why last night, for the record I almost NEVER ask God why, I know I am "allowed" but I normally do not see a point,however last night I just cried" WHY ME" " Why did you choose me Lord?!" "Why must I suffer, surely you could have kept this from happening!", I then realized what HE did for me. He died for my sins, he was perfect, he never did ANYTHING wrong and he gave HIS perfect life for me. How dare I question HIM? His struggles were greater than mine. I then thought about Job loosing absolutely everything and still praising God. I have only lost the hope of a easier pregnancy, the dream of being "normal" of eating ice cream and pickles and glowing and really, have I lost any of that? I am only 7 weeks in, that is all still a possibility down the line. So all I have lost is the fact that I am going to be puking and need to go to the hospital frequently, I am weak and need those darn shots- really it is going to be ok. I also still have my baby, that is a blessing in ttself! I must admit I do have a hard time seeing this child as part of our family, I think that is normal this early on. It is just hard to picture and you have to fight the doubts that things wont turn out.

  From the time I was very young I used to tell my sisters and mom that one day I would own a orphanage, I would read all the children bedtime stories, I would teach them individually school, my husband of course would love to do it as well:-D. I would be as closely a parent to those children as possible, I would make them feel loved and accepted and wanted. Of course I am older now and that is not really a possibility, however hg is Gods plan A for our family. He knew what I would go through, He knows what I am capable of and He will never leave me. How great it feels going through this to know I will NEVER EVER BE LEFT ALONE to suffer. I cannot say for sure that adoption is God's will for our family's future, but I have seen how God has worked in my heart to never let go of that passion for orphans, from the time I was probably 7, until now. The passion gets greater each year and every few months. I cannot speak for my husband, that is between him and God, but I have seen God at work on this matter before this pregnancy ever came to be. It is amazing to look back at something and see that God knew it all along. Yet, as I said I am not sure about Gods specific calling for our lives this is just something that has been on my mind and heart for awhile. God would have to put it all in place, the heart, the money, the education for dealing with children from hard places, the love for that individual child as your own. There is a lot to think about,but above all else- is it God's calling for us, we will just have to wait and see on that and you can feel free to pray on that.

So that, the hope of adoption, although it may never happen- helps me through the little bit of sadness I feel with this most likely being the last pregnancy for me. I am sad I never got my one good pregnancy, but I can accept that- I have 2 perfectly healthy little boys with one babe on the way! That is more important than some glowing pregnancy that only lasts so long. I am learning to accept that being a "normal" pregnant lady is not God's calling for me. I would never have advocated for the thousands of women who have HG if it were not for being"special". God's calling is always greater than my own hopes and dreams and I am starting to get excited about what He has in store for us!

Sunday, June 17, 2012

The Road to Blessings

If I have been MIA recently, it is for a good reason! Here is what I wrote about 4- 5 days ago..
We are going to have another baby- yay! We are excited, I am almost 8 weeks and hg is starting to get into full force- trying to rob me of my the joy of this little blessing. I feel like I am clinging on  for dear life. I am not only physically fighting this pregnancy, I am spiritually, emotionally, and mentally fighting. I have said before I think Satan tries to play a part in hg with women, now up to 30% of hg sufferers abort- mostly their wanted, planned for pregnancies. I understand completely why these women get to that point, they feel desperate, little support, and they think it will never end- they think they will starve to death and they do not know what lies around the hg bend, they are scared. I am scared. Is God really going to let me have a third healthy baby after hg? Will this baby even survive? With all my might I hope so- I pray so. I know what lies ahead is greater than what I am suffering with now and I flat out don't want to do it again. I feel like a toddler throwing a tantrum-only inside. I don't want to God, please don't make me, just give me one hg free pregnancy! I want this baby, and even if he or she had not been planned, I would want this baby- God never gives you what you cannot handle. I'v done it before- I can do it again!(...but I don't want to have to)
Yesterday,my sisters in laws handed me a cute little stuffed dog with a baby blue cap on it- it is for the new baby. I literally snuggle with it to tell myself I am going through this for a really great reason- the best reason you could be sick actually. I am hoping when I make a trip to labor and delivery for fluids(probably within a week or so with how I am feeling)  that they will give me a ultrasound like they normally choose to for viability, age, and to make the mom feel more at ease. I am hoping I can talk them into just one ultrasound picture. This is uncommon,as the ultrasound is mostly for health reasons and it is not a photo op- I understand. I would love to just have one picture to stare at all day and tell myself- this is my baby, this is why I am sick- this is worth it. My baby counts on me, I am his or her only hope.

This was written  the night before two hospital trips and I got a midline- which is similar to a PICC but does not go all the way to the heart (thankfully) it goes to the top of my arm and it is a very skinny cathedar used with IV medication. I am on generic form of Zofran and pepcid (for stomach acid) at home and my body is responsive so that is good. Right now I still get sick once-twice a day. I suppose what I have with the medicine is similar to moderate morning sickness- but I am still having trouble trying different food I am not eating a ton-but def more than what I was, in the hospital I had about 3 regular meals which is great and was keeping water down! I think I would vomit even less if I stayed in bed all day but I have to be somewhat active for my kids. My strength is starting to come back slowly and I am able to lift my kids(only allowed to lift with right arm and assist with left-picc is in left arm) I will have it in for 6 weeks as long as no complications and then we will evaluate best treatment and see if I can wean onto oral drugs again. There were different treatment options- but none were really options for me.

They looked into a med pump but it is not made to be used with zofran and they said insurance companies get out of paying for it that way since it is not recommended, that would be a needle under a few layers of skin on my stomach and you have to carry it around- many women in my hg group love it but they think that it is not as effective as a PICC and is a hazard with young active children that could pull on it or sit on it accidentally, they also have women who are too scared to insert needle and the needle place needs to be changed.

They considered IV treatment, but that is a prick every 3 days with a new one, it only goes so far into the skin and could be pulled out easily if a young child touched, can cause trauma to veins, and they also needed an anesthesiologist to try TWICE to get it in at the hospital because my veins are very small so a regular home nurse would prob have issue and it would be painful to me.

I was petrified of the PICC, i was bawling my eyes out when they told me(gave myself a headache)- and they did not give me very much time-I found out from the guy from the home care coming up and giving me my bag of supplies, the communication int he hospital was pretty bad. The labor and delivery floor- everyone communicated-but the floor I was sent to because of room shortage, nobody was communicating well or quickly. The nurse I had knew I was getting a PICC but took her time telling me because she knew i did not want it- she did say that the team was contemplating if it was right choice for me and then the next i heared from her she was getting off the phone saying they were on their way up to get me. I was at the hospital by myself and I was very scared- of the procedure and risk of infection and blood clots. I was told it is very rare and that they think this is the best option for the baby. My nurse came over held my hand and literally said " you need to eat , if you cant eat you could loose the baby"...and that was it. The procedure hurt less than getting an IV-since getting an IV usually takes them several tries and fishing around my veins. It is a little sore. Home care taught me how to give myself meds and flush the cath with saline to prevent blockage. In a few days I may be well enough to sew and take care of kids regularly:-).. This may be the most "normal" of all my pregnancies. My dr said she did not want me to only be able to eat one meal after hospital like last time and wanted me to not have to be on bedrest. The nurses told me I shouldnt be in the hospital constantly with sick people while pregnant so home health was the best option and picc was the only option with the information given to them about pumps.
Google image of picc line

Monday, June 4, 2012

Double Stroller Review

I really like to take my kids outside for walks,but we live around many hills and had a sit and stand stroller that just could not make it up the hill without steering badly into a ditch, which I could not get out of without having my two year old get out on a hill where cars fly. Finally one day after running into a ditch- I decided that is it!  I already did not hardly take them out on stroller rides even though I desperately wanted to, because I could not handle pushing them up the hill. I also sometimes run/jog for a very short time with the stroller(sit and stands are absolutely not made for this) it sounded like it was going to fall apart. The other problem was that at the age they are now I like to take them into stores in the stroller when I am not getting anything real big and my oldest is still young enough that he would sleep at times when hes exhausted making for better trips-only there was no back to the seat.
The new stroller

So I consigned my highchair, my single stroller I had not used much from the first, and the sit and stand. I then did over a week worth of searching every free moment on the internet for just the right stroller. There are a lot of great ones, unfortunately you cannot have everything in one package always. I liked the Phil and Ted, but USED they are around 350 ish and up often and do not have the storage space I would like. I also liked the Britax B-Ready(similar with a few more bells and whistles) but that was also out of price range. I finally decided this one just was calling to me(strange?) I just felt a special attachment to it- maybe God was helping me out as well. I decided it was close to the price range  if I consigned all my items. I was still searching on Craigslist for all different ones(as well as jogging ones).

 One day I found the exact stroller I was considering for less than half the price and it was in "like new" condition. We went to get it right away- and I have not looked back:-D I am crazy about it. The lady who sold it, only complaint(why she was getting rid of it) was that it was " too bulky"..but if you know me, you know I never ever pack light in general(specifically kids). Every time I have not packed something I needed it- so I pack it all. The amount of storage space underneath is excellent(could carry three of my large sized diaper bag). I absolutely love that the kids can face each other (they were so giggly and love to chat with each other./babble). I was able to walk up the one hill that I normally fight with the stroller- only this time with ONE hand on the stroller. My oldest is going to get a bit too tall if he wants to put his head back and sleep but that's about it. The rest bar is great for babies whose head fall forward when they sleep(my youngest did the first long walk ). I honestly cannot say enough good things about it- turns a million times easier than my sit and stand. It is not made for jogging but it does have some tread on the tires and did quite well with a little bit of running-nothing jiggled nothing sounded like it would fall apart. Of course I would guess its nothing compared to a jogging stroller for turning, lightness and very rough terrain but it is just perfect for us who go both in stores,up hills, pavement and a little gravel. A huge selling point(I got the newer version from what I have read-there are two- both seats FULLY recline..and I mean fully- perfect for young babies and toddlers. I also got the attachment for a baby seat with the one I got. The boys can both face outward, both face me, one face out ward -one face me, face each other. I love the options! The shades cover much more than average strollers-which I love.

Fits two children
Full recline
Adjustable foot rests
Full sun shade
Multiple Positions
Car seat adaptable
Cup holder and compartment for keys and such
Large storage underneath
Rest bar
5 point harness belts
Easy to change seats around
Easy to turn
Easy to push

Not meant for jogging-but its not a jogging stroller;-)
Heavy stroller weight
Often have to take seats off to put in car

...I am a little biased. Hope this helps someone!