My worst fear of the PICC came true, I got a blood clot. It only happens in 4% of PICC lines- and I am one of those lucky 4 in a 100. I was angry. Have I not been through enough? Why do I have such amazing odds for things? I am also 1-2 in a 100 of women to get HG. Why am I so "special"? I specifically did not want this PICC line because of the dangers of a blood clot, I tried to move my arm and I still got it only days after getting it placed. Why can't anything just work out good for me this pregnancy? I know my thoughts were getting selfish last night, but I did not care. I was mad at God, the blood clot and needing to change treatment options when something seemed to finally be working- that stinks.However the worst part, the reason I was most angry was because of the shots of blood thinners I have to take twice a day for the rest of pregnancy- they sting like 3 bee stings in a row. I have to fight not crying. The stinging lasts for a couple minutes. I may be mad at the doctors as well for choosing that option of a PICC, but I understand it had the best odds and the most convenient and most effective generally.I have struggled with the thought of " I got a blood clot because of something YOU chose for me and now I have to live with these painful shots until 6 weeks after delivery and I am nowhere near close". That does not really help anything though does it? I still have to take the shots, I still need a IV cath, I still need to make it through HG. It is no ones fault that I have hyperemesis.
I knew I would be sick getting pregnant, I was aware. I did not know I would be THIS sick for sure, I knew I could be worse but I don't know that anyone can be prepared to puke 12 times a day on anti vomit meds. I am mad HG seems to have changed our plans for a family of " more than 2 or 3" as another pregnancy could be life threatening. We both come from families of 6 and 7 children. That is normal to us, hg may not have affected me as badly if I only wanted 2 or 3 children. We all have our dreams for our lives and we are often crushed when they change and we have no control over our problems. Some people cannot have any children or struggle for years and years knowing there is little chance. Some people have disabilities and are never able to walk again, some become blind. What I am going through does not compare to any of those, my life plan has changed and that is going to be ok. I am happy to be able to be blessed (Lord willing) with 3 beautiful children, that is much more than many people get. I will be thankful for what I am given. I also have hope in what God has in store for our lives(more on that later).
In the midst of my anger asking God why last night, for the record I almost NEVER ask God why, I know I am "allowed" but I normally do not see a point,however last night I just cried" WHY ME" " Why did you choose me Lord?!" "Why must I suffer, surely you could have kept this from happening!", I then realized what HE did for me. He died for my sins, he was perfect, he never did ANYTHING wrong and he gave HIS perfect life for me. How dare I question HIM? His struggles were greater than mine. I then thought about Job loosing absolutely everything and still praising God. I have only lost the hope of a easier pregnancy, the dream of being "normal" of eating ice cream and pickles and glowing and really, have I lost any of that? I am only 7 weeks in, that is all still a possibility down the line. So all I have lost is the fact that I am going to be puking and need to go to the hospital frequently, I am weak and need those darn shots- really it is going to be ok. I also still have my baby, that is a blessing in ttself! I must admit I do have a hard time seeing this child as part of our family, I think that is normal this early on. It is just hard to picture and you have to fight the doubts that things wont turn out.
From the time I was very young I used to tell my sisters and mom that one day I would own a orphanage, I would read all the children bedtime stories, I would teach them individually school, my husband of course would love to do it as well:-D. I would be as closely a parent to those children as possible, I would make them feel loved and accepted and wanted. Of course I am older now and that is not really a possibility, however hg is Gods plan A for our family. He knew what I would go through, He knows what I am capable of and He will never leave me. How great it feels going through this to know I will NEVER EVER BE LEFT ALONE to suffer. I cannot say for sure that adoption is God's will for our family's future, but I have seen how God has worked in my heart to never let go of that passion for orphans, from the time I was probably 7, until now. The passion gets greater each year and every few months. I cannot speak for my husband, that is between him and God, but I have seen God at work on this matter before this pregnancy ever came to be. It is amazing to look back at something and see that God knew it all along. Yet, as I said I am not sure about Gods specific calling for our lives this is just something that has been on my mind and heart for awhile. God would have to put it all in place, the heart, the money, the education for dealing with children from hard places, the love for that individual child as your own. There is a lot to think about,but above all else- is it God's calling for us, we will just have to wait and see on that and you can feel free to pray on that.
So that, the hope of adoption, although it may never happen- helps me through the little bit of sadness I feel with this most likely being the last pregnancy for me. I am sad I never got my one good pregnancy, but I can accept that- I have 2 perfectly healthy little boys with one babe on the way! That is more important than some glowing pregnancy that only lasts so long. I am learning to accept that being a "normal" pregnant lady is not God's calling for me. I would never have advocated for the thousands of women who have HG if it were not for being"special". God's calling is always greater than my own hopes and dreams and I am starting to get excited about what He has in store for us!
